Its quite simple really

Maybe its just me, but is Fair and Lovely the most racist brand in the world or what? These guys actively extol the importance of being 'white' and simultaneously show that dark skinned women and men are losers who will never get laid or be successful. Their nefarious advertisement campaigns have brainwashed Indians so thoroughly that they don't even bat an eyelid when an olive skinned young lady is ruthlessly criticized on television.

But worry not, I have come up with a devastating plan to counter this evil company. Its quite simple really.

First, I'll convince Raj Thackery that Fair and Lovely is a Bihari company (maybe they are, who knows) which has forcefully taken land away from innocent Marathi villagers, and which secretly finances Bhojpuri films. So now the MNS foot soldiers should go out and destroy all property belonging to Fair and Lovely, thus ensuring that no more fairness creams are produced.

Second, find that sonofagun Muthalik and explain to him that women using such products is an affront to "Indian culture", whatever that is. This, in turn, will result in the holy warriors of the Shri Ram Sene attacking any and all vile tarnishers (read: anyone who uses said brand) of India's majestic culture.

Finally, inconclusively prove that use of said brand will lead to a fatal combination of skin cancer, explosive diarrhea, acne and small pox, causing a complete prohibition of the product the moment Shri Anbumani Ramadoss gets wind of this.

Thus, employing this trifecta of doom, a large cosmetics company can be brought to its knees.

Rant in C Flat

I completely lost it when I heard that Slumdog Millionaire had won the Oscar for best movie. That f**king "masala" movie has imposed itself into every media outlet in this country and one can't spend an hour without it being mentioned at least once, and Anil Kapoor's ugly mug has been a regular feature on many of these news channels. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that it had a predominantly Indian cast, but so what? Just because its "exotic" doesn't mean that its the best movie of the year. The fact that it beat out a far superior movie (Milk) was the absolute last straw. Slumdog may have won the Oscar for best picture, but Milk has to be the best movie of the year.

On to other things. Bernie Madoff. Where do I even start with this guy? The largest investment fraud ever committed by a single person, and he's still happily chilling out in his New York penthouse. And then he spends $10 million on gifts for his family last Christmas, in the midst of an ongoing case. Maybe they should make a movie on him, "Scumbag Billionaire" it could be called. What does it take for a human being to perpetrate such a massive crime? Moral bankruptcy? Check. Depraved Indifference? Check. Obscene Selfishness? Check.

Next, the Mangalore pub attacks. The Ram Sene are scum and I'll leave it at that. But, the journalists who were present at the pub, eagerly taping the carnage are a special breed of evil. These f**kers were notified before hand by the moral police that they would be going to "Amnesia" and beating up women, but not a single one of them reported this to the police since that exclusive scoop is obviously far more important than protecting young women from physical violence.

What else? There have been talks of marijuana legalization in some countries because of the ongoing recession. Dream on stoners, its not going to happen, not in our lifetime anyway.

On a more positive note, the late Heath Ledger won the Oscar for best supporting actor for his portrayal of the Joker. This, for me, was the best moment of the entire show. His family accepted the award on his behalf, and I loved the fact that nobody started bawling like a baby, and that there was only appreciation and fond memories for Ledger as an actor.

Photography

Two types of cameras available in the market now, "slim" digital cameras and "bulky" DSLR's. Cell Phone cameras don't count. It really does not matter how many mega pixels they manage to incorporate into cell phone cameras, they will always be second best to digital cams.

A cell phone camera with 5.0 megapixels will always come out second best to a, say, Canon digital camera which has only 4.0 megapixels. Similarly, an expensive Kodak 12.0 megapixel digital camera will never be as good as a DSLR with just 10.1 megapixels.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again...digital cameras are only good for "party pictures" and nothing else. Its meant for people who don't have much interest in photography and are quite content with "okay" looking pictures.

If you're a novice, and still want to learn how to take "wow" looking photos, buy a DSLR. True, it is quite expensive. True, it is a slightly complicated piece of hardware. True, it takes time to learn all its intricacies. But the first time you capture a breath taking sunset, or the pale mist on a cold winter morning, all the time and effort spent becomes worth it.

The Legend of 27

For those of you who follow rock and roll, you might be aware of the "Legend of 27". Its just another way of saying that numerous rock and rollers have died at the age of 27 (Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison). Heres the full list:

Robert Johnson
Died: 1938
Iconic musician whose music has been covered by the Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton, Cream, RHCP, Lynyrd Skynrd, ZZ Top and many more.

Jesse Belvin
Died: 1960
One of the greatest contributors to the fledgling LA doo-wop scene. Co-wrote "Earth Angel".

Brian Jones
Died: 1969
Founding member of the Rolling Stones, and back then, the only "bad" Rolling Stone.

Malcolm Hale
Died: 1968
Guitarist of "Spanky and our Gang", an eclectic 1960's band.

Alan C. Wilson "Blind Owl"
Died: 1970
The least glamorous of the "27s", Alan Wilson was more than anything a blues scholar, a great harmonica player, and a guitar player with a solid foundation in Delta blues.

Jimi Hendrix
Died: 1970
Left handed guitarist who played a right handed guitar upside down. And he's had a few hits in his short career.

Janis Joplin
Died: 1970
The queen of 1960's rock, who held her own, and then some, in a male dominated 1960's rock scene.

Jim Morrison
Died: 1971
You know who he is, don't play that game.

Arlester "Dyke" Christian
Died : 1971
Founding member of "Dyke & the Blazers", and a pioneer of the funk music genre.

Ronald "Pigpen" McKernan
Died: 1973
The one true "showman" in the Grateful Dead roster.

Roger Lee Durham
Died: 1973
Singer and drummer of "Bloodstone", one of the first bands in the black rock and funk movement of the seventies.

Dave Michael Alexander
Died: 1975
The original bassist of The Stooges, and the primary composer of "We Will Fall," "Little Doll," and "Dirt."

Gary Thain
Died: 1975
Bassist of prog rockers, Uriah Heep during their golden age.

Kurt Cobain
Died: 1994
Singer and guitarist of Nirvana. You know the rest.

Others in the list:
Kristen Pfaff (Hole)
Richey James Edwards (Manic Street Preachers)
Raymond "Freaky Tah" Rogers (134 All Stars)
Sean McCabe (Ink & Dagger)
Maria Serrano-Serrano (Passion Fruit)
Jeremy Michael Ward (The Mars Volta)
Bryan Ottoson (American Head Charge)
Valentin Elizalde
Mia Zapata (The Gits)
Dennes Boon (The Minutemen)
Helmut Köllen (Triumvirat)
Chris Bell (Big Star)
Pete Ham (The Iveys)

Holy shit huh?

Nike vs Adidas

Look away if you don't care about football.

A competitive match between Nike and Adidas stars is something I'd pay good money to watch. Nike seems to be the stronger team, according to me. Anyway, here's the break down:

Nike

Valdez

Danny Alves
Puyol
Ferdinand
Evra

Ronaldo
Pirlo
Fabregas
Ribery

Torres
Ibrahimovic

Adidas

Van der Sar

Lahm
Carvalho
Pepe
Ashley Cole

Lampard
Kaka
Gerrard

Messi
Villa
Benzema

Did I miss anyone?

I ♥ Pink Chaddis

Think of all the different undies you've ever heard about
like boxers, briefs and thongs and t-string
There are lots of funny undies in all this world
But have you ever seen a chaddi that is pink?

Think!

A chaddi that is positively pink,

Well here it is, the pink chaddi,
The rinky-dink chaddi,
Isn't it a chaddi ever so pink?

It really is for a groovy cat,
and what a gentleman, a scholar, what an acrobat !

He's in the pink - the pink chaddi
The rinky-dink chaddi,
and it's as plain as your nose,
that it's for the one and only, truly original,
Chaddi-pink (Muthalik) from head to toes !

Tweenage romance...sigh

The custodians of Indian culture, the Shri Rama Sene has decided to not allow the celebrations of Valentine's Day in any form. Some threats of violence against those who don't follow their rules were probably attached as well.

Holy shit...warn the tweens!!! Because really, who else celebrates this day anyway?

"Teri Monkey" - Harbhajan Singh to Andrew Symonds (allegedly)

The most ridiculous piece of news in the past few days has to be the controversy surrounding Shah Rukh Khan's new movie "Billu Barber". Well, to those of you who thankfully don't keep track of the latest entertainment news, there's been a few problems with the title of the movie. Certain sections of the population seemed to have been offended by the term "barber", considering it to be derogatory and also a politically incorrect way of saying "hair-dresser".

Wow. Who knew the barber...uh, I mean hair-dressing lobby group in India was so powerful that it even managed to dictate terms to superstars like SRK?

"Billu Barber", already a nominee for the dumbest-name-for-a-Bollywood-movie award, will now be simply called "Billu" (the eventual winner). Let me repeat that, Bil-fucking-lu! Doesn't that sound like a nick-name given to a mentally retarded Bihari child? Imagine award shows, "The award for movie of the year goes to...BILLU!". And out comes a fat little boy, waving his hands around like a maniac and drooling all over the microphone while giving the acceptance speech.

F**k, barbers (generally tend to be poor, and from the cow belt) and hairdressers (generally tend to be gay) are not the same thing. And the character in the movie is CLEARLY a barber, so whats gotten the hairdressers' panties in a twist?

And, if we're all going to be so politically correct, lets rename everything then.

"Maa ki" becomes "Monkey".
"Rape Victim" becomes "Unwilling Sperm Recipient".

Tagged Again

Tagged by Chand Bibi

21 random facts about myself. Here goes nothing.

1. I have a football shoe fetish. I think I had 6-7 pairs of soccer cleats at one point. Currently, I possess only 4 pairs.

2. I think I have ADD.

3. I suffer from asthma, but I haven't had a serious attack in over a year.

4. I love climbing up high places even though I have a fear of heights.

5. I absolutely hate talking to parents of my friends.

6. I've managed to get myself thrown out of Bible camp twice.

7. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not asexual.

8. I have nightmares where an extremely muscular, oiled up, homosexual man chases me around in a tiny room.

9. I hate Apple (Steve Jobs, not the fruit). And I really don't know why.

10. I can literally go days without speaking to anyone.

11. I love photography. Web Design is just something that helps me earn money.

12. I don't like Bangalore Wine Shops since they don't sell Heineken and Carlsberg Beer, like they do in the North-East. And when they do, it costs 4 times the actual price.

13. I'm scared of monkeys.

14. If I met Anil Kapoor in person, I'd punch his face.

15. I've always been tempted to pull out the gun from a police man's holster.

16. I think people who use bluetooth headsets are douche bags.

17. I want to visit Bali before I die.

18. I think Tom Morello is extremely over-rated.

19. I've had many bad experiences with glue, and I avoid it now at all costs.

20. CSI is the only TV show I try to watch regularly.

21. National Geographic Photographer = Dream Job

Oh yeah, I need to tag someone.

The Bong

Ning

Dani

Rock n Rolla

Finally saw Rocknrolla a few days ago. And what can I say, it was a classic Guy Ritchie flick. More London mobsters, incompetent thugs and from the looks of it, the two equally "un-killable" successors of Boris the Blade. Good entertainment all round.

Now, I don't like it when people say its too much like "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock...". To me, its like criticizing someone for looking too much like Jessica Alba. Everyone knows what they're getting into when they sit down to watch a Guy Ritchie movie and its ridiculous when they bitch and moan when the flick delivers exactly what they thought it would.

I mean honestly, how can you say you don't enjoy lines like these: "If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya."

Blogger lies to me. It says "Changes Saved" when I attempt to upload the new blog banner, but when I look at it, it's still missing. And the font size keeps fluctuating for no reason, and so does the spacing.

Fuck it, I'm moving to wordpress.

A lesson or two in badassery

Gather around children, let me tell you a story. Nay, make that two stories. Stories of brave men. Men who surpassed the acceptable limits of badassery (Got this from Cracked).

1. Simo Hayha

Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.

Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.

Of course when the Russians heard that dozens of their men were going down and that it was all one dude with a rifle, they got fucking scared. He became known as "The White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit, and they actually mounted whole missions just to kill that one guy.

They started by sending out a task force to find Hayha and take him out. He killed them all.

Then they tried getting together a team of counter-snipers (which are basically snipers that kill snipers) and sent them in to eliminate Hayha. He killed all of them, too.

Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.

Since everyone they had was either too dead or too scared to go anywhere near him, the Russians just carpet-bombed everywhere they thought he might be. Supposedly, they had the location right, and he actually got hit by a cloud of shrapnel that tore his coat up, but didn't actually hurt him, because he's the fucking White Death, damn it.

Finally on March 6th, 1940, some lucky bastard shot Hayha in the head with an exploding bullet. When some other soldiers found him and brought him back to base, he "had half his head missing." The White Death had finally been stopped...

...for about a week. In spite of having come down with a nasty case of shot-in-the-face syndrome, he was still very much alive, and regained consciousness on March 13, the very day the war ended.

2. Yogendra Singh Yadav

Yogendra Singh Yadav was a member of an Indian grenadier battalion during a conflict with Pakistan in 1999. Their mission was to climb "Tiger Hill" (actually a big-ass mountain), and neutralize the three enemy bunkers at the top. Unfortunately, this meant climbing up a sheer hundred-foot cliff-face of solid ice. Since they didn't want to all climb up one at a time with ice-axes, they decided they'd send one guy up, and he'd fasten the ropes to the cliff as he went, so everyone else could climb up the sissy way. Yadav, being awesome, volunteered.

Half way up the icy cliff-o'-doom, enemies stationed on an adjacent mountain opened fire, shooting them with an RPG, then spraying assault-rifle fire all over the cliff. Half his squad was killed, including the commander, and the rest were scattered and disorganized. Yadav, in spite of being shot three times, kept climbing.

When he reached the top, one of the target bunkers opened fire on him with machine guns. Yadav ran toward the hail of bullets, pitched a grenade in the window and killed everyone inside. By this point the second bunker had a clear shot and opened fire, so he ran at them, taking bullets while he did, and killed the four heavily-armed men inside with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, the remainder of his squad was standing at the top of the cliff staring at him saying, "dude, holy shit!" They then all went and took the third bunker with little trouble.

For his gallantry and sheer ballsiness, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, India's highest military award. Unlike the Medal of Honor, the Param Vir Chakra is only given for "rarest of the rare gallantry which is beyond the call of duty and which in normal life is considered impossible to do." That's right, you actually have to break the laws of reality just to be eligible.

It has only been awarded 21 times, and two thirds of the people who earned it died in the process. It was initially reported that Yadav had as well, but it turns out that they just mistook him for someone less badass. Or they just figured no real human being could survive a broken leg, shattered arm and 10-15 fresh bullet holes in one sitting.